Forget a courtesy call, he doesn’t even ring the bell. One moment I am minding my own business knee deep in the marshy grassland we call a back garden and the next he’s tapping me on the shoulder. “Hey old buddy, it’s been a while.” I smile back, there is not much else you can do when he visits. “Hello old… friend.” I used to curse and scream and skin my knuckles against whatever hard surface I could find in the millisecond he announced himself. He’d just stand there motionless, with that smug look on his face until I finished my tirade. Now, I just take a deep breath and try to forget he’s here. Again. For another visit.
He visits everyone at one time or another. Usually more than once and always when you least expect him and can least afford his smarmy presence. Apparently the sound of knocking wood keeps him away but I have my doubts – I’m thinking of installing wooden wind chimes just to test it out but my scientific scepticism doubts that will amount to anything. Sometimes I wonder if he even exists or is just a figment of my imagination, dreamt up to give me someone other than an omnipotent being to blame for the totally arbitrary mishaps that befall us humans on a regular basis.
Yes, dear reader. I present to you, my friend Murphy. In all his cuddly fluffiness. Please take him home with you, I have had my fill of his practical jokes, his minor inconveniences and hilariously funny pranks.
One of his latest included mysteriously infecting the usually voracious grass muncher with some allergic reaction to unleaded fuel. Quite talented and creative that little one. And his timing. Superb! Infection on the gardeners last day before leaving for holidays for a month. Brilliant, I have to tip my hat at his effort. I suppose he has had millennia to refine his powers but you still have to be impressed. Just as you think he is done with you, he throws in a delayed secondary infection; the required medicinal herbs needed to totally cure the four wheeled wonder are only found growing in the outer reaches of Alpha Centauri and the next shipment is expected when pigs fly in july. Best one yet.
I smiled. “Well done. I had not expected you again so soon.” Then he added another to his pre-Xmas mix, just for me. A crack in the wondrous dome of keeping water clean and clear for those blistering sunny days. Whoops, slip, crack. Drip drip drip drip goes the pump, determined to drip a hole to China and I have to let it try. The alternative is a competition to see how quickly 35k litres of water will go a delicious shade of creme soda. And everyone is on holiday, domes unavailable (maybe they are also shipped from AC). Bring on the duct tape and super glue.
Murphys a pro, dear reader… Please take him home with you. I have had enough of his burps and farts.